i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
