He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
