I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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