I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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