He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
