She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
