my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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