life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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