If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
