Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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