I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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