Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
