look no pants
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
