Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
