Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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