The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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