so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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