You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
