I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
