Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
