Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
