Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
