i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
