I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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