I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
