dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize