is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
