My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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