I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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