I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
