He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
