the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
