I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
