Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
