Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
