Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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