you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
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Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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