I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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