I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
