dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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