Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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