Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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