if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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