I want to make a zoo with you.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
