I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
