Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
