I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
