Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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