And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
