at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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