I think i peed on brittanys purse
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
