he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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