i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
