She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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