I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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