the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
